Roses are Red, Violets are Blue, Valentine’s Day is Commercialised Poo…

So. Tomorrow is the big V-day.Val-en-tine’s day. I know for some of you out there, mentioning Valentine’s day is like shouting VOLDEMORT when you’re suppose to be whispering You-Know-Who. 


I can see why the day can be depressing.

If you want to take a casual walk around town, you are constantly reminded of the fact that you are alone as giant hearts cover every inch of every shop you walk past with discount offers on the cutest teddy bear to buy your loved one or the biggest bouquet of flowers that will basically, get you laid.

He makes you want to slap that smile of his face doesn't he?

And the prices are RIDICULOUS! When we’re in an economic crisis, why on earth would you want to pay £40 for a bunch of flowers that will die in a few days?

My advice?

Take a picture. It’ll last longer.

Look how pretty they are. And you don't even have to water them.

I am all for romance (if you’ve read my earlier blog posts, you will know that I’m the RomCom Queen). But to dedicate this day to your other half when really you should be doing that every day of the year, it annoys me. It seems to imply that you’re allowed to treat them like crap 364 other days of the year but on THIS day…?

It's Valentine's day. So say that to me ONE more time...

Bitches be crazy.

My message to all you singletons out there: Don’t be bitter about being alone. Valentine’s day is just another way of companies and all the industries taking advantage of women’s emotions and men’s bank accounts. Yes, you’re going to see smoochey couples huddled in every possible corner sucking face but that doesn’t mean you have to hide away at home, watching Bridget Jones’s Diary, wallowing in self-pity. Go out with your girls, celebrate being you, because in reality, tomorrow really is just another day.

If, however, you are in a relationship and there is another meaning behind that day, say it was your first date/kiss etc, then by all means, go crazy with the celebrations. But don’t fall for the consumerist orientated nonsense that fools everyone else.

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A teeny,tiny post.

What do you do when everyone around you seems to be going places, moving on with their lives, making something for themselves…And then you stand in front of the mirror, and look at your pitiful, sad expression and realise that you’re stuck…?

I have posted a piece earlier about making your dreams happen and not giving up and my message still stands.
But what do you do when life really starts to take the piss?
You want to plan things with your friends, help out at home, buy things for your beloved…but no job means no income so again, you’re stuck.

Frustration flows through your blood, anger seeps from your pores because you did not imagine your life to be where it is today.

I can relate.

But to repeat my message with an added self-pitying twist: Carry on. Allow yourself to wallow in self-pity for maybe a few hours, or even a day if you’re really bad. Cry, punch things (not people…), ring your loved ones and vent but continue driving that harsh road my friends, because if you’re as awesome as you think you are, then opportunities will come right around the corner.

Unfortunately for now, it’s lost, stolen, had a car crash, or broken down.

*Happy New Year!* (5 days later)

HAPPY NEW YEAR EVERYONE!
2012 woooo!


It’s 5 days later but who’s counting?

A general saying about the new year is that when it comes around, a new year also means a ‘new you.’  People make new year resolutions, they tend to try to transform themselves, people make plans for the year, they try to find ways of losing weight or stop smoking etc…

My friend and I disagree on this subject of new year resolutions. He is adamant they are just made for lazy people. If you want to lose weight, why wait for January? Why not start now, especially if you’re that determined.
And of course, he has a point.

But.
Yes, my giant BUT gets in the way.

I like the idea of new year resolutions. That’s not to say I firmly believe in them but I like the idea of a fresh start, of allowing yourself to hope for a better year, of forgetting about the mistakes you may have made in the past and looking forward to the future.

Especially if the previous year was a giant shit hole.

Hope. The future. That’s what I honestly think it comes down to, to those who don’t literally see it as ‘New Year Resolutions’ but instead as a road to a better year, a better you and above all else, a better life.

If you don’t read this, you’ll get bad luck.

Well done. Now I won’t have to curse you.

Here are a list of superstitions. Some you’ll believe and some you won’t. And some are just complete crap.

1. If you see a black cat, you must automatically do a little dance (but not make a little love OR get down tonight) which consists of walking in reverse, twirling around three times and then crossing the road to avoid bad luck.

2.  If you walk under a ladder, you’re going to get bad luck. And no, walking back under it is not going to make the bad luck disappear. You may just have doubled it.
Not quite sure how that works but the rules and regulations are out of my hand. 

3. If you wash your hair on Tuesday or Thursday, you are giving your brother bad luck.
So that means you’ll have to smell and look like a dirty cow for an extra day. All because of HIM. If you have a brother of course. I’m not sure if you’re ‘brother from another mother’ counts. Then again…

4. If you pretend you know the future and in turn may jinx something or someone, you have to touch wood before you get bad luck. Or if you are in a room surrounded by metal and cannot see any wood, you must touch your forehead to avoid any bad luck.

5. Shoes upturned and piled on top of one another are bad luck.
Sorry girls. You better start cleaning out that cupboard.

6. If you break a mirror, that’s 7 YEARS bad luck.
At least that superstition has the decency to give you a time limit.

7. For a woman, if your right eye twitches it’s bad luck. The opposite for men.
And I bet you thought someone was winking at you. I foresee a rise in subscriptions for eharmony.com.

8. If you see an Ambulance, I’m sorry but then you’re really fucked. UNLESS, you happen to see a black or brown dog whilst holding your breath or pinching your nose.
The person who made up this rule clearly didn’t think about all those drivers who panic every time they hear the Ambulance siren. And clearly, you lived on a farm. A very smelly one. Alone.

9. If you see three drains, DO NOT walk over them otherwise you’ll get bad luck.
I just see this one as an excuse to make your everyday monotonous walk a little more fun.

10. If you’re alone in a bathroom, surrounded by darkness with the door locked and you turn to the mirror and repeat the words ‘Candy man’ three times, not only will you get bad luck but YOU WILL DIE.
And what if you’re innocently singing ‘Candy man’ by Christina Aguilera in the bathroom, when there’s a power cut? Does that make Christina Aguilera RESPONSIBLE for your death?

Now, I’m gonna go wild and suggest that many of you have believed in either one or two, or maybe even all, of these superstitions at least once in your pitiful lifetime.

So have I.

In fact, I believed that black cats were so evil, that I needed to warm up to Salem in Sabrina the Teenage Witch.

I'm sorry it took me so long, you sweet, little genius.

With so much bad luck floating around, I’m surprised the world isn’t full of Agoraphobics.

Years ago, my sister and I were driving back home one night, when a black cat crossed our path. Being the normal and sane people that we are, we both yelled out the word “Shit!”, contemplated parking our car somewhere to do our little dance and then drive back home.
But we did neither of those things.

Ok that’s a lie.

We drove home. We did the dance. Just not with our legs.

INSTEAD, my sister reversed the car (it was a quiet area) reached a roundabout, circled it three times and drove a different way home.

Yes. That actually happened.

Now that I’m all growned up, I like to believe that I don’t believe in any of the above. But sadly, that’s not the case. Some of these superstitions have been drilled into my mind from day one and they are pretty hard to shake off.

If only we had these hunks to help us shake it all off. Wink wink nudge nudge.

Wow. And they're real too. They're not carved from stone.

Why is it so easy to get ‘bad luck’ and yet so difficult to find that god-damn four leaf clover?

Sneaky bastard.

Well I say, bad luck schmad luck.

Wash your hair on Tuesdays and Thursdays, go crazy and run under a ladder, pile your shoes on top of each other if that’s the only way it will fit into your cupboard.

I’m too much of a chicken shit to actually try out the ‘candy man’ theory, but if you’re game, go for it. But don’t forget to let me know how that goes down. If you’re still alive of course.

Good Luck.

Trust people to turn the words 'Candy Man' into something to fear.

Food for thought: Maybe that’s the key to fighting the rise in Obesity?
Geddit?

Online Afterlife?

Ever wonder what could happen to your online accounts after you die? What would happen to Twitter, PayPal, Facebook, even MySpace? (Not that anyone uses that particular social network any more.)

I know you’re all dying to know (couldn’t resist), so let me enlighten you.

The Golding brothers, Paul and Mark, created the website iCroak.com, as complications ensued after the funeral of their Aunt. This website allows you to protect your online assets, such as passwords, PIN numbers etc., for a small fee, thus creating a ‘digital will’. The fee is based on whether you want to buy a Guardian.

What is a Guardian I hear you ask?

Ashton Kutcher? You wish.

Well, a Guardian is someone you choose to have full and complete access to your online life. They can carry out your wishes after you have passed and is, quote “designed to make your digital life – and death – simple” unquote.

Now on sharing this information with some friends, I received mixed reviews. Some thought it was a brilliant idea as they literally live in virtual reality. Others thought it was creepy.

This ‘creepy’ opinion made me question whether it’s right to keep the deceased person’s page alive.

Two years ago, a friend of mine had a course mate who sadly passed away. As tragedy struck, friends, relatives, work friends, acquaintances all posted their messages on her Facebook, telling her how much they miss her and sending their love.

To this day, messages are still being posted on her wall. Some tell her about their day, what they have been up to, how much they still miss her and how different life is now that she isn’t around.

Does this make it harder for people to move on? Do you think its ‘right’ in keeping that person’s social network page still accessible?
You’re still allowed to click on ‘Add Friend’, it’s still possible to send her a ‘Message’, she is still being tagged in photos and her current location is still ‘Lives in Said Place.’ As well as this, Facebook even suggests you to ‘Connect’ with her if it recognises that you and her share mutual friends.

It’s as if the virtual world is keeping her alive.

What’s next?

Should a ‘deceased’ status be introduced to Facebook/Twitter etc.?
Will there be online funerals, wakes?

As crazy as it all sounds, to me it makes perfect sense. We all have an online life: we are constantly on Twitter, Facebook, we are buying things off Amazon, we shop for clothes online, we order our food online…

Press it. You know you want to.

So what’s so creepy about giving away your 1000+ followers, your online Poker account, your Amazon credit, or your iTunes playlist in a will, and leaving it with someone you trust?

One Step Closer…

Before the night out.

“What are you wearing Imogen?” asked Katie.
“Oh, just this dress I bought the other day.” Imogen held it up for the girls to see.
“Oh noo, I thought we were suppose to all wear the same outfits?” Jessica whined.
Katie looked at Imogen and asked politely, “Why don’t you wear the same as us?”
“Which is?” Imogen asked, her eyebrows raised.
Jessica  took out a black high-waisted skirt with a red one-shoulder top, from her cupboard. “It’s really cute isn’t it? We’ve got the same skirts but different coloured tops.”
High-waisted skirt – really? Is the tyre around my waist not visible enough that you have to give it its own public show?
“Erm, it’s really cute but I don’t own that skirt so…” she drifted off.

Awkward silence.

Imogen cleared her throat and said, too brightly, “Well, I just remembered that I’m suppose to meet Tom now for an early dinner so I’ll see you girls in a few!”

It was 4pm.

And the award for the Most Awkward Moment in the history of Awkward Moments goes to…drum roll please…

After the night out.

“Give me a piggy back please? My feet hurt.” Katie pouted up at her boyfriend, her arms raised.
Oh Jeez, how old are you? Quit acting like a baby, 
Imogen thought. That little display of ‘affection’ was beyond creepy. You almost expected him to answer back to her with a sultry, “Whose your daddy?”
Everyone laughed as they watched Katie scream in delight. Seeing how much fun Katie was having, Jessica pleaded with her boyfriend Joe, to do the same. Tom squeezed Imogen’s hand. She gave him a warm smile to reassure him that she’s enjoying herself.
But Imogen cringed as she realised she was the only girlfriend who wasn’t screaming to climb on someone’s back. And she didn’t have to be psychic to know what was coming next. Before picking Jessica up, Imogen watched as Joe walked over to Tom, slung his arm over his shoulder and said in a low voice, “Hey, why don’t you pick up your girlfriend too?”

And there it was.

Feeling her face flush with embarrassment, her eyes narrowed at Joe as she watched him smirk. Tom pushed him away and muttered the words, “Dick” before giving Imogen’s hand one more squeeze. Imogen refrained herself from wanting to punch him and acted like she didn’t hear a word.

Smug bastard.

Can you relate to this scenario? If your answer is ‘Yes’ then congratulations, you’re not alone. So many of us out there have felt like Imogen and still feel like her. It’s so easy for people to say ‘Join the gym’ or ‘Just watch what you eat.’ Some eat for comfort when they are not happy; some eat because they are bored. Some people avoid the gym because they still feel like they are being judged for being ‘big.’ The reasons are endless.

Who has walked into a gym thinking you would see ‘figure-challenged’ people such as yourself, but instead find yourself in a place where a runway should replace the treadmills and weight machines?

Yup. Not intimidating AT ALL...

Magazines and celebrities don’t make it easy for us ‘normal’ people do they? The yo-yo diets, the special foods, the 2 week crash diet…

I could go on and on.

I would be a hypocrite if I said that I have never felt that way. That I am completely and totally happy with the way I look and always have been. I have my off days. Sometimes a small remark could trigger my waterfall of tears. But then I remember that I have people who love me for just being me.

I also think Bridget Jones being introduced to the world helped. A LOT.

"No, I like you very much. Just as you are." Mark Darcy...Swoon ♥.

Now I am going to go all Zen and Deep on you.

Looks fade. Shallowness remains. If you hear someone say something about your weight or how you look, and if you think the tears are about to fall, take a deep breath, stop and think for a second. Think about your friends, your family, or that special someone in your life and how they all make you feel. In other words, go to your happy place. Then think about how narrow-minded and shallow that person is for making such a comment. You know s/he has issues for them to pass judgement on others.

Remember, no one is perfect.

And finally remind yourself of how amazing, how beautiful, smart and funny you are and how some people should only be so lucky to even consider you being their friend.

Learn to love yourself, flaws and all. You never know, what you see as ‘flaws’ could set you apart from all the ‘Perfectly Shaped Clones’ of the world.

And you’ll finally be one step closer to accepting yourself.

By Life As We Know It Posted in Issues

“Dreams Can Come True”…At least, that’s what Gabrielle sings…

Ask yourselves this question: When you were little, what was your big dream?

To become a singer?
A superhero?
A famous athlete?
A big film star?
Owner of a big financial company? (I’m assuming we ALL have this big dream given that the economy is crashing and burning…)

Now ask yourselves this: how many of you are living that dream today?

Desk man

Meh.

It’s crazy to think that the film stars we see on our screens, the sport stars we see playing their favourite game and the singers we hear on the radio all started out with a dream. The difference between us and them? They’re all living it and making it happen. Well ok, maybe not so much the Superheroes.

Unless you count the masked Ninja of  Royal Tunbridge Wells?

You do NOT want to mess with this guy. Booyah.

Now, as cheesy and unbelievably clichéd as that sounds, and as much as you would like to scoff at my last sentence, you know it’s true.

Go on, admit it.

Recently I began doubting my dream. I thought to myself, ‘Why on earth am I WASTING my time’ blah blah blah. I began doubting my writing abilities, began to lose faith in myself and basically grabbed a shovel, dug a hole and hid.

I think I'll stay down here for a while...or forever...

And that was only last week.

It is so easy to be consumed by those pesky, evil little doubts that can suck you in like a black hole.

You don’t think you’re good enough, your friends are better, it’s too hard, no one thinks you can make it, you won’t make it, just give up now...

ARGH!!

Solution?

Get your butt out of that hole and do something about it. Sometimes it’s that simple.

I SAID SOMETIMES!

Other times you’ll come across bumps and bruises. But don’t you think it’s better feeling that kind of pain than staying numb and hidden and acting like a victim all your life? That it’s better to at least TRY?
I may never make it but I’ll be damned if I don’t try to give it my all.

Whatever you decide to do, do it. Don’t listen to your doubts, or anyone else for that matter. You think you got what it takes? Good. Now show the world.

Watch.This.Space.

And now to end this blog post with an inspirational quote.

“Never worry if people believe in your dream or not…it’s never been about their belief or opinion anyway.” 

Love or Evol?

Can Love really be just as romantic as the films suggest?

Ryan Reynolds. Need I say more?

I am a HUGE fan of romantic comedy films and yes, I have my own little (big) DVD collection and I re-watch them sometimes (all the time) and to some of my friends (all of them) I sound like a pathetic little girl who can’t get her head out of the clouds and refuses to get over the notion of believing in Mr. Right, Prince Charming, your True Love or whatever title fits the blank space. This idea of the right person has been ironed into my head ever since I read a book called Highland Hearts by Maggie Hayes when I was 10 years old. Imagine that. 10 years old and I’m dreaming about my wedding day.

I clearly needed to get out more.

Being a fan of those films and books, I was fooled into thinking that ‘happily ever after’ is the destination – the be all and end all of relationships. But after watching an episode of One Tree Hill and having friends with extremely messy and confusing relationships, I realised life can be so much more fulfilling than watching a couple express their true feelings. Coz you see, it’s what happens after those first moments that count.

For example, when a couple dates, you both want the other person to only see the best part of you. So if you’re a girl, you splash on the make-up, you may buy a new outfit or you wear your best one, you make sure your hair is in place and that you have minty fresh breath. If you’re a guy, more or less the same rules apply. One wise person once told me that this can be known as ‘False Advertising.’ I disagree. It’s not false advertising, it’s called Marketing. You don’t want to reveal too much in case you scare the other person off and still want to maintain an air of mystery to your identity. It’s like a cage fight.  You’re both in their, sizing each other up before going in for the kill. Only of course, without the blood and the gore and potentially killing the other person. And the cage. (Unless you’re kinky.)

Thoughts are constantly running through your mind, ‘is my hair ok? Why did I just say that? Does he/she like me?’ it’s like treading on thin ice – be careful of saying too much and you fall face down into icy cold water, choking and turning blue. You say the right things and smile at the right times, you’re going to make it to the other side of the ice rink safely, hopefully hand in hand.

If you’re lucky and these dates turn into a relationship, eventually the guards come down. Enter the ‘Comfort Zone.’

UN-SHAVED LEGS AND POOPING HABITS BEYOND THIS POINT

Now to some people I know, the ‘Comfort Zone’ has a bright red flashing light blinking away with an extremely loud alarm. Very much a restricted zone. Now, I cannot fathom why this could scare some people off. The idea of knowing your partner’s toilet habits, seeing them puke and helping them by rubbing their back or holding back their hair, wearing joggers and not shaving your legs…
The romantic comedies just happen to miss out that little detail don’t they? Not as romantic as it sounds right?

Well that’s because it isn’t romantic and it isn’t suppose to be. The idea that some people get about Love is that it’s all about red roses, poetry, rainbows in the sky and sun shining out of their partner’s ass. And yes, it’s not our fault we believe that. The media plays a HUGE part. But once you break it down, you realise it’s really about being there for the other person when they’re not 100%, working at your relationship, compromising and knowing that Romance never leaves the building; it just sits in the waiting room.

So yes, romantic comedies do make Love look extremely warm and fuzzy but in reality, it is so much more.

So Eminem, thank you for that enlightening backward spelling of the word, but Love becomes Evol if you never had a good, strong foundation from the start. And as the wise Bethany Joy Galeotti’s character Haley once said, ‘The day that you start thinking that love is overrated is the day that you’re wrong.’

So all you romantic comedies out there keep the clichés; keep making people believe that love can conquer all and most importantly, keep making people believe in Love.

Coz if you don’t, we really are f****d.

A Brand New Day (starts Tomorrow)

Months after graduating, I feel like I have sat in a time machine and flown back to the years where, aside from attending the occasional day at school and college, all I ever did was listen to music, go on the internet and meet friends.

I am now a 22-year-old woman (23 only in a few months) with the mindset and daily routine of a 16-17 year old girl. Help.

Jennifer Aniston – Friends with Money. Her character just might be  my future.

Fml

Gulp.

You would think selling yourself would come naturally, especially if you think you are the definition of all that is Awesome. But after being rejected on numerous occasions on different types of jobs, your confidence can be a little…mangled. BUT, I have chosen to continue fighting my way through the pitying stares, the tilted heads, the dejected sighs and the disappointed whispers and will rise again like a phoenix from the ashes (Harry Potter rules) because I have learned that despite the various rejected emails, letters and phone calls I may receive, it really isn’t over until the fat lady sings.

And I’ve only just started writing my songs.